An Endo's Guide to Turkey Roasting

Firstly, brine the bird real good. I make a solution of 1 cup salt, 1/2 cup brown sugar, peppercorn and ginger. Let soak in cold brine overnight, either in the fridge, or in the cold garage. Tastes a lot better if you use the same pail you use for washing the car (Shh, don't tell the people I fed) After brining, wash and pat dry the bird. Inject with flavor enhancers to fool your gullible guests. For this, I make a solution of soy-sauce, sesame oil and orange juice. Inject liberally with heavy-duty flavor injector, or with stolen 16G needle/syringe. The breast tends to dry out easily, so use liberally there.
For added flavor, I make slits around the breasts and thighs, and shove in garlic cloves.

Next, prepare the baste. Use salted butter, crushed garlic, thyme and cilantro. For a kick, I've added curry powder too. Baste liberally. After all, it's the holidays and calories don't exist this time of the year.

Pop the bird into the over, covering the breast and wings with foil. Use a meat thermometer, aiming for 180 degrees F. Alternatively, I've actually roasted the bird breast side DOWN before, as counterintuitive as it sounds. This actually gets the juices dripping down and keeping the breast moist. But, you don't get the nice browned ta-tas.

Figure about 5 hours in the oven set at 350 F.

Make a gravy with the fat droppings, garlic, some Chinese mushrooms, oyster & soy sauce and some corn flour. Whisk over a low flame.

And voila. One roasted turkey.

(Just don't hold me responsible for any food poisoning).